While cleaning out some folders on my computer I ran across thoughts that I had wrote on 1/28/07 and thought I would post it here...maybe that will help me with my healing from all this?
Nothing will ever take the place of my mom!! No need to want flowers, roses, one of her favorites…it won’t heal the hurt of her not being here. Will there ever be healing from this? I wish there weren’t regrets about losing my mom. The anger and frustration I feel about the situation, will it ever go away? It starts back when I was little and due to Wanda, wasn’t able to have anything to do with my mom. That is except for the times we were allowed to go over to Uncle W & Aunt A’s house. They would allow us to call her. They would let her send letters to their house for us but we had to read them and throw them away because if anyone found out we got them we wouldn’t be allowed back over there. She couldn’t send us anything because we couldn’t keep it, how would we explain where it came from? From the summer before 6th grade until halfway thru my junior year in high school I didn’t see my mom and only talked to her here and there. I wrote her letters all the time and sent them home with Andrew to be mailed for me. We got to move to live with mom and Jim Dec of my junior year. We had our trying times due to being a teenager with more freedom than I have ever known and coming from the situation we came from. But no matter what, mom was always there!! As I got older, mom and I came to be really close, the best of friends. I could turn to her for anything. She made sure my senior prom was just right. She made a big deal at my graduation. She even went all out and did all she could for my wedding. She made my veil herself!! Not to mention all the decorations at the reception. Makes me so sad the rest of my sisters and brother won’t get to experience that same experience. Mom loved Rox as if her own and made that known to him. He called her mom too!! She was right there when Tanner was born, in my face helping me breath!! She was breathing with me. I didn’t get to have that same experience when Logan was born, but she was still with me in my heart!! She had planned to be here around the time he was born but that was before she got so sick. Every time we have moved, it didn’t bothered me. I have been in support of whatever Rox thought was best for our family. The time we moved from Pueblo to here though was the hardest time for me and I don’t know exactly why. Could it be something was telling me I didn’t have a lot of time with mom?? I’ll never know. I didn’t ever cry when leaving, but seeing my brother drive away from that gas station, still brings tears to my eyes. That is probably the time that I got to be the closest to my mom was when we lived out there then. I drove 2 ½ hours every weekend from April until Sept with the exception of 3 of them to visit mom and my grandparents. Not to mention I talked to mom a minimum of 1 time a day, usually more. Did Rox ever complain about the phone calls…not 1 time and I really appreciate that!!! He has always done the best that he could to support me seeing or communicating with my family. Another concern I had when moving from Co to here was my grandpa was not doing well and didn’t have much longer to live. Rox reassured me the entire time that he would make sure that I could get back there when mom said for me to come. We were here 2 weeks, just enough time to get my house unpacked and situated when mom said it was time to come. Rox got me out on a plane the next day!!! I was there and spent the last days of my grandpa’s life with him. In fact, going back, when mom called after finding out Grandpa had cancer, Rox got me out there to be with my family to enjoy some time with him before he got really sick. Getting on that shuttle to go to the airport to come home was one of the hardest times to. Like said before, I don’t usually cry but having to leave my mom was very hard. I looked like a fool on that shuttle the whole way to Denver with tears coming down my face. Why was it so hard to leave my mom? I was only 12 hours away?? Little did I know there was limited time left with her. The next month mom finds out a mole she had removed was cancerous but they think they got all the cells. I didn’t think anymore about it. I still talked to her everyday at least 1 time. She lost her bird, Sweetpea right after this and after taking the best possible care of her to try and get her well for several weeks.. That was hard for her, hearing her just cry on the phone and not being able to do anything for her but listen. Then she nursed her cat, Tabitha because she had cancer of the throat. Mom took care of her, giving her medicine, feeding her with a syringe for a few months. I found out I was pregnant with Logan and it was so hard to wait to tell her until we knew everything was okay. She was the 1st person told as soon as we had the ultrasound at 5 weeks. She was so excited for me. It was still a little hard, not being there with her to share all the pregnancy stuff with, but we talked a lot on the phone. She planned to come out right around when he was going to be born to help me get used to 2 kids. Then while shopping in Academy for Tanner’s soccer shorts for his 1st game I get a call that mom had stroke like symptoms and couldn’t talk. She was getting ready to be transported to a hospital in Denver. I stayed in contact with Jim for days. He called at the beginning of Tanner’s very 1st soccer game and confirmed that mom was out of surgery and it was cancer!! None of the info could sink in. I couldn’t fathom the thought of mom having cancer. I couldn’t lose her; she was my best friend, my mom, a grandma. My youngest sister was only 12 this couldn’t be happening. Mom was a fighter though; she was going to do whatever it took to live the longest. Again, Rox got me out there to help take care of her when she came home from the hospital. I got to be there for a few weeks, helping her get to where she could take care of herself at home again. She was very determined to do it all herself. And oh boy, getting on that shuttle once again to come home!!! Not good!! Thoughts kept trying to go through my head wondering if this would be the last time I see her, but I shut them out. I wouldn’t let that thought stay for long. She was my mom; she was going to be okay!! (That’s the thought I let be in my mind.) I came home, tried to enjoy my pregnancy because it was going to be my last. Then 2006 and it was AWFUL!!! I came to realize that I wasn’t what Rox needed me to be and he therefore had decided he was done with us. He had moved on or was trying to move on with his life but he had his kids to still think about. My baby shower was horrible. He didn’t want to be there; he drank a lot, and then tricked me into going in the house to get something so he could drive off. Not to mention the night of the baby shower was also the day that we started dating 7 years ago. I thought this year would be special and was going to try to do the best I could to make is special cause his favorite # is 7. Then the delivery day came to have Logan.not a good day either. Absolutely NO support from him at all. He wasn’t there when I got my epidural, he had to be called to come up there because I was ready to push, he also had to be called to come up there cause they were taking Logan to the nursery to be cleaned up and checked. Without Ruthie there to help me, I don’t know what I would have done. Coming home with Logan wasn’t any better. From then until I had enough and my sister came to get me to take me to SC was absolutely horrible. Logan cried all the time; Rox was gone all the time. Meanwhile my mom was battling cancer and I didn’t want to tell her what I was dealing with because she was dealing with enough herself. Then I finally broke down and told her. It felt good to tell her and have someone to talk that could try to help me. I decided to go to SC over CO for very selfish reasons that I now wish I wouldn’t have done. I had so much stress here with Rox not wanting to be with me, my mom having cancer, she had no hair anymore and Logan was a very difficult baby to deal with day in and day out. I needed to get out of here for at least some help with him if nothing else. I needed to go be with family. I couldn’t go to CO and deal with my situation and have to face what mom was dealing with. Things were so bad for me at my own house; I wasn’t even dealing with what my mom was going through. I went to SC and had help with just holding Logan for me finally!! Very much needed. While in SC I get updated from mom that for some reason now she is retaining fluid in her abdomen and has to go every other day to have it drained. I also get word from Rox while out there that he has decided to stay with his family!! Lots of relief when that phone call happened, although I knew there would be lots of work to do. I get back home, very nervously, not knowing what to expect or how to act around Rox. Next morning he goes to work, my sister leaves, I am unpacking and doing laundry when I get a phone call that I need to come out to CO now, mom isn’t good!!! GREAT!! Rox can’t get off work so luckily Ruthie comes over to be with me. Again lots of phone calls with Jim and the next day he confirms that yes I need to come out. So I am home for 2 days and Logan and I leave again. Rox again, steps up and makes sure that I am able to be there. Am I worried about leaving when he has agreed to work on us?? NOPE, no time for thinking about that. I have no choice now but to face exactly what I haven’t faced…I am going to lose my best friend!! I go and the exciting thing is that Mom did get to meet Logan. She even held him very weakly a few times. I took him to see her almost every day. I am there 6 days with mom when we lose her!! None of us kids were prepared for this!! Now we have to plan a funeral and go through mom’s stuff. Nothing any of us were prepared for at all. Now my brother has to live on his own and take over the bills at her house. That time leaving at the airport to come home, wasn’t as sad, I wanted far away from that place and fast!! Now I am dealing with not having my best friend that I talked to everyday and trying to do the best I can to be the best wife and mom that I can for my family. I don’t want to lose my family like I thought I was going to in 2006. I try to be positive about not having mom, but there are times when that is impossible. In a way, I wish that Rox could understand what it feels like but then I don’t want anyone to have to deal with this!! It is not a fun road to travel down. But I try to keep my head up and keep doing what I am suppose to do. One day at a time is all I can take so that is my focus. Just one day at a time. I have had a few instances of weird things happen that I don’t talk to anyone about. I have had a few times where it felt like someone was touching my shoulder or back, I turn around and no one is there. I just tell myself that mom is still with me. It is usually at a hard time, when I could really use her that it happens. I am sure it is just my brain but whatever it is, I let myself think that it is mom letting me know everything is okay and to be strong. That is what she would want me to do. She was very strong even though she didn’t think she was. Fortunately I have a very supportive husband who is right with me that she didn’t get the chance to have all her life. She did most things on her own. But she loved her family with her whole heart and would do anything for any of us and always did. She did the very best she could!! So why did this have to happen to her?? I will never know or understand. …..1-28-2007